Prayer

This week we lost Kevin's dad, Edward. He had a very risky heart surgery performed on Wednesday. The surgery went well, but after the surgery his body just couldn't survive. He passed away on Thursday afternoon and of course went to be with God.

This is the second time in my life that I have watched someone take their last breathe. I watched my Grandma Rosa Lee take her last breathe and then watched the funeral home take her body away just hours later. Each time I was so grateful that I knew in my heart their souls had gone to heaven already and it was just their body left for us to bury into the Earth.

This time was slightly different though, because Ed was having a high risk surgery done and was basically told he had the choice to have the surgery or he had the choice to wait for a very large aneurism in his heart to burst. He chose the surgery in order to take the chance that it might work and he might survive. He chose the surgery for Nancy and for his grand daughters. He went back and forth on his decision and just the day before, he told Nancy he was not having the surgery done. Of course he did and I assume he knew when they took him back to the operating room, he might not come back. He told Nancy it had been a great 54 years and went in. I am so sad to think of how scared he might have been, but I would like to tell myself that he was peaceful about it.

I caught myself doubting prayer yesterday. I had guilt that maybe I hadn't prayed enough or maybe I wasn't faithful enough or maybe since I had a small amount of doubt he wouldn't survive, he didn't survive. Then I thought, this is God's plan. Well if this was God's plan, why did I even pray about it? I have been a Christian all my life and I strongly believe in prayer, but I had doubt for the first time in 31-3/4 years. It didn't feel good. Maybe it was me grieving? Or maybe it was because I am still struggling with having a newborn, working part time and trying to be a supportive wife/daughter in law, and my mind is tired. My thoughts are tired.

Kevin and I discussed it and Kevin was so insightful and so at peace with Ed's death. He was so grateful his Dad didn't suffer. He could have been in a vegetative state or he could have been in pain, but he really never came out of sedation and when they removed the ventilator it only was a few minutes before he took his last breathe. Kevin feels God was kind and merciful to his Dad. I see that, but I am still struggling with my thoughts and wrapping my hands around the situation.

If he didn't have the surgery, how much longer would he have lived? I will never know the answer and now I must pray that God will help me have faith to believe that he did what was best for Ed and for Nancy. I want to believe that and I want to be grateful he did not suffer at all, and I am.

I do miss him already, so does Sallie. We stayed the night with Nancy last night and Sallie told me quietly that she missed Pop Pop. She has not cried, but she was very quiet the whole time we were there. He was a wonderful man and we will miss him. I pray for Nancy and Kevin that after the dust settles and everyone is gone, they can grieve quietly and that they are truly at peace with his passing.